St. Gourd's Whoppers and Halloween — A political satire of Al Gore!

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Published Date: 
Friday, October 20, 2000

Halloween Jack-o-LanternAll ye faithful out there --- jubilate, celebrate! For this year, after Halloween, we get to cast our ballots into the wind. This year, after All Hallows' eve, there will be more at stake than candy, children, and trick or treat.

The last millennium had Albertus Magnus, (a.k.a. St. Albert "The Great") to show the Christian way. Do not despair. This new millennium we have St. Albert Gourd to pave the way. A deeply spiritual man, he will add to human insight, invoking rites of earth goddesses of Neolithic times.

Forget Greek philosophy, Aristotle, and basic truth. We have St. Albert Gourd this millennial time to tell us his own version of immanent truth. Yes, there is more to Gourd and jack-o'-lanterns this Halloween than candy, children, and trick or treat.

V.P. Dan Quayle misspelled potato and was blown to inferno. St. Albert Gourd invents, exaggerates and distorts the truth, and is still Saint Albert, albeit the Minor, no chink in armor.

The elder Albert merely wedded the great philosopher Aristotle to the basic tenets of the Mother Church. Not so this younger Albert. As he goes along (and as mere whims), a la Bill Clinton, he reconstructs reality with more chutzpah.

There was the zebra that can't changed its spots. There was the puzzling bust of the Founding Father. What erudition! There were the land mining and oil stock options from leftist, capitalist Armand Hammer, a pal of Lenin's and Soviet Russia. What astuteness! In terms of immanence though, there is no peer who can approach St. Albert, albeit the Minor!

Once there was tobacco and the Saintly Albert earnestly pleaded: "Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco. I want you to know that with my own hands, all of my life, I put in the plant beds and transferred it. I've shredded it. I've hoed it, I've dug in it, I've sprayed it, I've chopped it, I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn and stripped it and sold it." Enough smoke, now, no more tobacco!

Thus, before you light your jack-o'-lantern this Halloween, consider the environment, clean air, and the worthiness of young St. Albert:

Romantic warrior, environmentalist: Discovereth he the Love Canal, whilst he and Tipper inspired the poignant romance of Love Story. Whilst he decried the internal combustion engine, industrial society and environmental degradation, he unselfishly invented the Internet, for all of us to travel faster through cyberspace. And to further protect the environment, St. Albert promises bigger government and global taxes. To guard the children with MAD protection (mutual assured destruction), for 20 years, he — both fought for and opposed —- a Test Ban Treaty.

As fearless investigative journalist in our own U.S., he broke a story and "got a lot of people indicted and sent to jail." Whilst in the Far East, young St. Albert, in the press corps, displayed immanent, uncommon valor patrolling the Vietnamese jungle, carrying an M16 and being shot at by the Vietcong.

As campaign reformer, St. Albert Gourd sponsored campaign finance reform along with Senators McCain and Feingold. Never mind St. Albert had already left the Senate in 1992 before Feingold had become a senator! Three years later, rising above his own Confucian teachings, St. Albert went to the Buddhist temple that he explained was "no fundraiser." Miraculously, monks with vows of poverty coughed up $140,000 of hard, cold cash for the elections of '96. It was, according to St. Albert, simply "community outreach."

Undaunted, he pressed forward: He valiantly denounced the exorbitant price of arthritis drugs, exceeding those of his own loyal dog; the overcrowded Florida classroom where a student had to stand to learn her lessons; the little old lady (erstwhile local United Auto Worker and Democrat activist with a pension), who collected cans for prescription drugs...

Then came the delicious whopper (oops!), that of the phantom, emergency disaster relief trip to Texas with FEMA Director James Lee Witt - which never took place and made the Texas Governor wince.

Not even Burger King can beat those whoppers! This year after Halloween there is more to Gourd and jack-o-lanterns than candy, children, and trick or treat!

Miguel A. Faria Jr., M.D., is editor in chief of the Medical Sentinel of the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons and author of "Vandals at the Gates of Medicine" (1995) and "Medical Warrior: Fighting Corporate Socialized Medicine" (1997) Web site:

This article may be cited as Faria MA. St. Gourd's Whoppers and Halloween — A political satire of Al Gore! October 20, 2000. Available from:

Copyright ©2000-2015 Miguel A. Faria, Jr., M.D.

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