The ClinicMaster 2000

Author: 
Lawrence R. Huntoon, MD, PhD
Article Type: 
Parody
Issue: 
September/October 1999
Volume Number: 
4
Issue Number: 
5

With the widespread implementation of "Clinical Pathways" and with so many to choose from, how can the discerning physician make the right choice? Hospital CEOs, managed care moguls, and integrated delivery gurus are all hawking their own special version of clinical pathways. But a cookbook is a cookbook is a cookbook...right? Well, if that's what you think, then you haven't seen the ClinicMaster 2000.

It slices, it dices, it diagnoses, and it treats. No special training or thought required. You just enter the symptoms into the ClinicMaster 2000 and out pops the diagnosis along with the latest and greatest Clinical Pathway. You'll get a complete roadmap of the most cost-effective diagnostic tests and cheapest treatment and drugs, complete with an ICD-9 code and a helpful color-coded LOS (length of stay) sticker to put on the front of the patient's chart. The special chemically treated LOS sticker is Green on the first day, turns Yellow the day before the LOS expires, and turns Red on the day the patient should be discharged from the hospital.

It's been road tested at the best medical centers throughout the country and has received the nation's highest award for best medical practices, the coveted "Monkey See...Monkey Do" Award.

And, if you order right now, we'll throw in the surgical attachments for FREE! Cholecystectomies, appendectomies, laminectomies, hysterectomies, hernias, cataracts, vascular, cardiovascular and thoracic surgery...you name it. It's no problem for the surgically equipped ClinicMaster 2000.

And, it's so high tech that you don't even have to be there! That's right, just set the machine to "Operate" and it's all taken care of. Go shopping, play a round of golf, or just sit back and relax. By the time the patient wakes up, you'll be back at the bedside taking credit for a job well done. And, that's not all. If you order right now, we'll also throw in a set of Ginsoo surgical knives absolutely FREE! Sharp enough to cut paper and strong enough to cut right through bone. They have also proven especially effective in cutting through bureaucratic red tape. And it's all yours for a mere $19.95! Now that's an offer that's hard to refuse, isn't it?

It comes in your choice of colors, light, medium, or dark gray with a full money back guarantee if you're not fully satisfied with its performance. Offer good for a limited time only.... Not available in stores.... No restrictions apply.... Profits and Outcomes may vary based upon individual operator...and remember, when all else fails, CHOOSE THOUGHT.

Lawrence R. Huntoon, MD, PhD is president-elect of AAPS and a member of the editorial board of the Medical Sentinel.

Originally published in the Medical Sentinel 1999;4(5):187. Copyright ©1999 Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS).

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